Why I’ve quit trying to be a better parent

Parenting in 2021 is HARD. We literally have the highest standards to upkeep. On the one hand, it’s benefitting us all really, as we finally recognise children’s needs and a focus is put on providing them with the most nurturing, loving environment for them to thrive in, no-one can argue that a little conscious parenting goes a long way (and it really has come a long way since those pre-war times of children being seen and not heard and the cane being a normalised punishment- yikes!), but on the other hand it’s just become this competitive game of bigger/better/more in which parents are burning out and children are smothered with all the latest and greatest must-haves and must-do’s and both parent and child are measured against these unreachable standards.

Glennon Doyle gives a brilliant example of this in her book, ‘Untamed’, in the chapter called memo she hilariously recalls the memos that her, her mother and grandmother each received on becoming a mother, and each generation got more ridiculous, to the point she says we (and our children) are set up for failure. I took SO much from this book, and highly recommended it to all the women who want to feel a little less tamed. Her podcast is also worthy of a listen too, it’s called ‘We can do hard things’.  

I also love this funny quote which has done its rounds on social media:

The irony of having a blog dedicated to motherhood, of being someone that does upkeep some of the ‘crunchy mom’ standards such as being passionate about what my children put in-and-on their body, consciously choosing their media exposure and not wanting to hand them over to a state ran school is not lost on me. But I also have resistance to this super mum status I’m expected to upkeep, where being a perfect mum, no matter what the cost, is prioritised over all else.

So, I’ve stopped trying to be a ‘perfect parent’. Instead, I just work on being a decent, kind, generous human. Because that’s all my children are; human. I think it’s dangerous to get stuck in the rigid mould of parent-child relationship. Where we have separate worlds, separate expectations and unrealistic ideals of what it means to be a parent and/or a child. Our commonality is that we are all humans, we all have good days/bad days, we all have wants and needs and we all make mistakes. When we exist under the same umbrella, it shelters us all from the high demands of our times.

I want my children to know me, not just as mamma, but as the woman who enjoys her morning coffee, loves to read her own adult books, enjoys solo baths and dances to her favourite music whilst cooking.

I want to know all parts of my children; not just their giggly, smiley, playful selves. I want to see their struggles, their fears, their failures. I don’t want them to please me because I’m their mum, I want them to please themselves, which in turn will please me more than any expected accomplishment.

This ties in to the damaging teacher-student dynamic I often see play out within the school system, where children do as a teacher says, because a teacher has the governing power over a child, based purely on age and status. When really, both student and teacher are of equal importance and respect should be given reciprocally (democratic schools such as Sudbury schools really flip this on its head and each student has an equal vote in decisions made within the school). Would you be offended if a child asked you to sit on your hands/put your hands on your lap whilst they talk to you? Would you consider it inappropriate if a child told you not to look out the window if you were admiring the birds in the tree? Would you be comfortable as an adult if you got told how fast/slow to walk when you were excited? Or here’s a common one, if you got told to use an indoor voice? So just as I have given up aiming for that perfect parent status, it might be beneficial if teachers did too, if they chose to just be a better person, modelling life values to their students, who in turn wouldn’t have the unrealistic goals of becoming a perfect student, they can instead, rather blissfully evolve to be the best version of themselves.

This division between two humans can stick with us our whole adult life if we have been put in an inferior category by our parent/teacher/carer…it transpires into the work place where we might allow a boss to talk to us in a way that we wouldn’t talk to them. Or we ourselves might become a manager that unknowingly focuses on being a ‘better’ boss; running a tight ship and letting our employees fall into a different, lesser, category than us. When if we peel back all job statuses and ages…we are all of equal importance. So, whether it’s the work place, a school or the family home, the message is the same; be a better person and forget all the other labels.

I saw a quote a while back which instantly brought tears to my eyes;

The beauty of this statement really struck me. It resonated so deeply with me, as I have the privilege of watching Richard parent our girls in exactly this way. He has never read a parenting book (unlike me, who in states of panic often reads an expert’s opinion on how to navigate each stage of parenthood), he also naturally releases all expectations and judgements towards our girls. He just has such a strong intuitive belief that they will find their own way, they will shine their own light, in their own time if we just step back and let them. He never consciously ‘teaches’ them anything. But what do they learn from him?

*Generosity- their father is the most generous man I’ve ever met; with his money, time and energy. Seriously he is always helping people. He’s the kind of guy that no matter how much of a rush we are in, he always lets people cross the road, go in front of him at a junction etc…

*Hard work- they see him work hard every single day, in building businesses up from an idea, to always cleaning the kitchen, to stacking logs for the winter. He never moans and shows a sense of accomplishment at the end of each day.

*Never giving up- Our families moto (N.G.U, it’s even engraved inside our wedding bands)

*Laughter- He manages to find humour in every situation, even disastrous ones will bring out a laugh from this man, which is contagious and lightens everyone around him.

It’s obviously much easier for me to list all these traits Richard brings, as I’m wildly in love with the man and thank the stars every day that he fathers my children.

I’m sure the girls learn many things from me, it’s just a little difficult to dig down and brag about myself, but I’ll give it a try;

*My gratitude for everything I eat and drink- I respect my food and in turn I’m noticing the same from them.

*My ability to apologise- I don’t force apologies from my children, but if I have messed up, I apologise.

Now these traits I’ve coyly flaunted of Rich and I, aren’t what you need to be a good parent, rather they’re choices that contribute to becoming a kinder, more admirable human. We can’t teach our children to be or do anything that they aren’t. We can however model a way to live true to ourselves, to respect ourselves and others and to love unconditionally.

I might still read the odd parenting book to try to better understand the inner workings of a 5-year-olds mind, or to gift myself some ideas and options in handling certain situations, but what I won’t do is grade myself against a modern, rigid chart of what a parent (or a child) should be and do to be deemed successful (and theres a lot of charts and checklists out there!)

If we all tried to just be better people, then there would be no shortage of wonderful parents, children, teachers, employers, neighbours… because they’re all just labels, that we plonk on a human!